


How could you ever be broken?

by Yui_Kuromori



Category: Chilling Adventures of Sabrina (TV 2018)
Genre: Ace author writes about ace character, Asexual Character, Coming Out, F/M, Projecting?maybe?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-14
Updated: 2020-02-14
Packaged: 2021-02-27 23:35:12
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,768
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22724029
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Yui_Kuromori/pseuds/Yui_Kuromori
Summary: The first time he does anything remotely sexual, is with Sabrina.She kisses him, and pulls off his shirt and throws him in his bed like some sort of wild animal. It's awkward. They are no longer dating, and Harvey was under the impression she had found another guy.But there they are, kissing, and panting in each other's mouths, with pieces of clothing falling on the floor.The feeling of discomfort rises on his chest. It's familiar by now, but no matter what he does, he can’t stop the chant of “wrongwrongwrong” in his mind. Sabrina is beautiful, and sweet, and her lips taste like cherry and his brother's blood.He'd never say it, but when she yanks his body away from his, the first feeling that washes over him, is relief.(In which Harvey finds out a new thing about himself)
Relationships: Harvey Kinkle/Rosalind "Roz" Walker
Comments: 3
Kudos: 35





	How could you ever be broken?

The first time he does anything remotely sexual, is with Sabrina.

She kisses him, and pulls off his shirt and throws him in his bed like some sort of wild animal. It's awkward. They are no longer dating, and Harvey was under the impression she had found another guy.

But there they are, kissing, and panting in each other's mouths, with pieces of clothing falling on the floor.

The feeling of discomfort rises on his chest. It's familiar by now, but no matter what he does, he can’t stop the chant of “ _wrongwrongwrong_ ” in his mind. Sabrina is beautiful, and sweet, and her lips taste like cherry and his brother's blood.

He'd never say it, but when she yanks his body away from his, the first feeling that washes over him, is relief.

Then, he starts dating Roz, beautiful, sweet, smart, brave Roz. She's amazing. She's quiet and resilient and anchors him during all the madness that's happening around them. They go to the school dance together, and she looks like a fucking goddess.

She kisses him, tells him she's a seer, and her eyes are so raw and loving, Harvey feels himself falling deeper and deeper in love with her again.

He knows Roz isn’t a virgin. He has known it since the day after she had done it because she had called him to tell him about it. His virginity never took a big space in his mind, until his dad starts talking about it.

He gives him the talk and a pack of lubed condoms, and Harvey holds it on the tip of his fingers like it's some sort of alien thing. He talks about how cute Roz is, about how lucky Harvey is, and he hides his grimace with a smile, and tries not to think about it.

But he should, shouldn’t he? He loves Roz, he really does, and that’s what couples do, isn’t it? They fall in love, kiss, and eventually have sex. He doesn’t want to let her down, so he swallows his discomfort, and tries.

And try he does, he looms over her in his childhood bedroom, lets her take off his shirt, lets her kiss his neck and reach for his pants, he cant help but think of that day with Sabrina, the same feeling of " _wrongwrongwrong_ ” beating against his skull. She sees it, of course she does, she's amazing like that, and asks him if he still loves Sabrina.

Along with the guilt and self loathing, relief floods his body.

He thinks there’s something wrong with him.

He hears other guys talk, about the girls in their cheerleader outfits. About their long legs, round butts and perky breasts. Don’t get him wrong, he thinks they look beautiful. He could spend days drawing the line of muscles in Roz's thighs and the straight line of her shoulders, but he doesn’t feel anywhere as hungry as his colleagues seem.

He doesn’t think he's gay either. He's seen enough naked men on the locker room to know that the discomfort feels exactly the same.

Then Robin tells them about the pagans, about the sacrifices, about how they only target virgins. He sees the look in everyone’s eyes, as if "virgin”was something pitiful, childish, as if he were still using training wheels in his bike at 17.

Maybe he's not enough of a man to do it.

They solve the whole situation, hunt down pagans, kill a bunch of people, and Harvey would take smashing a guy's head with a pickaxe than having his dad give him a condom any day. Roz kills a gorgon, stands in front of him covered in blood, and she looks like a goddess, and Harvey exclaims about how fucking hot she is. Not amazing, not beautiful, hot. Because that's what’s he's supposed to think, right?

So they go back home. Wash off the grime and blood and plant goo off their bodies, and conce again he kisses her, looms over her, lets her touch him and kiss him and tries to push the discomfort down. It feels like watching a sex scene with your parents in the room, detached, awkward, and deeply wrong.

\- Harvey?

She's on top of him now. Her curly lair fanning around her head like a halo, illuminated by his room's lamp. Her eyes show concern and Harvey wants to kick himself in the face for making her worry.

\- What’s wrong?

She gets off of him, and he can't stop the tension from bleeding off his body. Her eyes follow the motion, the smallest flash of hurt peeking from her confusion.

\- Nothing, there's nothing wrong.

Now, neither him or her believe his words the moment they fall out of his mouth. She reaches out, as if to take his hands, but opts to let her hands lay flat on the mattress. He knows the look in her face “ _I love you. Talk to me. Trust me”._

\- I think there's something wrong with me.

Her eyes go from confused to concerned. She straightens up, and Harvey feels bad for killing her mood.

\- I love you, a lot. Like a lot a lot, right? And I wanna kiss you and hold your hand and go to college together, and maybe have a hamster? I don’t know. I just love you so much and I don’t want to make you feel bad or unloved, but whenever we try to do something like this, I...

He flaps his hands a bit, and oh God, he's rambling, isn’t he?

\- And it's not just you! It was with Sabrina, and any other guy i saw almost naked, and Tracy Davis in ninth grade when she stuck her hand up my shirt and...

\- Harvey.

She lays a hand on his shoulder, she doesn’t look angry, or disappointed, she just looks a bit confused, maybe, and worried too.  
Gently, very gently, she takes his hands into hers, and her eyes glaze over like every time she has a vision. Harvey feels in his chest, the feeling of wrongness, his mind flashes quickly to Sabrina, to a locker room, to mini skirts and cheerleader outfits, to virginity and shame, to mockery.

She blinks once, twice, and looks at him with newfound clarity.

\- I'm so sorry Roz. You deserve better, I’m so sorry.

He yanks his hands from hers, not unkindly.

\- You deserve someone who can do what you want with you, and is enough of a man to do it. Not someone that...

\- Harvey!

He looks up to her, and she takes his hands again. Her eyes burn with the same determination that they had when she angrily stuck W.I.C.C.A posters all over school, and she shakes her head.

\- There's nothing wrong with you.

He breathes, a bit slower. When had he started panting?

She lowers him gently, until his back is resting against the headboard, she mímicos his position still holding his hands.

\- Do you know what asexuality is?

She asks gently, and not at all condescendingly, he shakes his head no, a bit confused.

\- You know how a straight person doesn’t feel attraction to the same gender? Or a gay person doesn’t feel attraction to the opposite?

He nods again, turns his body to actually face her, and she looks so calm, and understanding, and loving.

\- Well, an asexual person doesn’t feel attraction to any gender. To anyone. Sex just, isn’t for them.

She explains calmly, and oh god she's so smart. He's really whipped, isn’t he?

But he thinks about it, really does, not feeling attracted to any gender. Not liking sex. That seems to fit him okay.

\- But i still find people beautiful?

She nods calmly.

\- It has nothing to do with beauty. You can still find people aesthetically pleasing or not. It also doesn’t have anything to do with romance. You can love someone and not want to have sex with them.  
“You can love someone and not want to have sex with them".

The sentence echoes in his mind, and oh. _Oh_. His hands are trembling, and he looks up at her.

\- I'm asexual.

He says, tastes the word in his tongue, and for the first time it feels right.

\- I'm asexual.

He repeats, this time with a bit more conviction, and Roz nods in pride and satisfaction.

\- Are we still okay though? I love you and i want to stay with you, and if you want, i really can try...

She shushes him again.

\- Harvey! Harvey. Never in a million years I would ask you to do anything like that. If I were a guy, and you were a girl, would you think that's healthy?

He fervently shakes his head no.

\- So, why would it be ok with you? Just because you're a man doesn’t mean concent doesn’t apply to you, you know?

He swallows a sob, presses his side against hers, she's warm and soft na perfect, and Harvey thinks he might cry.

\- So you don’t mind if we never...?

He gaze hardens.

\- I can live the rest of my life masturbating for all I care.

He laughs and a sob escapes his lips. 

As he cried in relief, he thinks that one day, he has to marry this woman.

They sit in a booth, at Dr. Cerberus, a few days later, with Sabrina and Theo and Robin. They swallow milkshakes and laugh about the apocalypse they stopped a few days ago as if it were homework.

\- So Harvey, Roz, did you do the deed?

Theo asks jokingly, but there's a slight glint of curiosity in his eyes. Robin chokes on his milkshake and Sabrina blinks several times before looking up.

Under the table Roz holds his hands, and they share a small glance of reassurance.  
\- Actually, I'm asexual, so I don’t think we'll be doing it anytime soon.

Theo looks up at him, and he can actually see the realization dawning on him. If he wasn’t so nervous he would have laughed.

\- Wait, really?

He asks, but his voice carries more surprise and amazement than anything else. Harvey relaxes, and nods with a small smile.

\- That's great man, thanks for telling us.

Robin chirps, and Sabrina nods, she looks a bit nervous, and he can almost see her replaying their past nearly sexual encounters in her head. He bumps his knee against hers gently and smiles. She relaxes and smiles back.

\- Anyways, did you know Roz actually killed the snake lady?

They start talking again, and laughing, and Roz holds his hands and people send weird looks at Sabrina's and Robin's oddly colored hair, and everything feels “” _rightrightright_ ”

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys, I hope you liked the story! I felt really bad about how much pressure they were putting on Harvey this season about his virginity. I felt like it was toxic masculinity and oversexualization all at once. As an ace person, i really resonated with him, so this is kind of a vent fix? Idk.
> 
> Please do comment! They make my day, and I really wanna know what did you guys think!
> 
> Thanks again!  
> Love, yui


End file.
